Youths
by Ayoshen
Summary: Granny is getting increasinly annoyed with the youths. And by youths, she means Emma and Regina, the two blundering idiots turning her diner to ash. Red, on the other hand, knows how to benefit from the situation.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** English is not my native language. I apologize any inconvenience this may cause. Also, I need to write Granny more often.

* * *

_Youths,_ Granny Lucas thought to herself with a grain (or more like a boulder) of dread balanced with disgust. You'd think teenagers are the worst kind to be around as a veteran, but you'd be wrong; it's the people who never grow up, like the Queen and the Sheriff well into the fourth round of bickering since just that morning polluting the atmosphere of her diner. They just march in there like they own the damn place, scare away customers because apparently neither of them has gotten laid at least since Roosevelt (and there were clearly no plans to have that happen on purpose) and in worst cases break things, because taking it outside is too mainstream. Granny would bitch slap those youths, teach them a lil' bit of discipline. Back in her day, life was tough. She slept with her crossbow under the pillow. She would have to hunt down her own food for several days at times. She would have to bathe in its still warm blood to earn some respect. Do you think people ever complained that someone's precious baby stayed up too late at night or about some other menial disobedience? Hell to the no, children were taught that shit. The old ways were the good ways. Take Red, for example; girl knew how to build a snare before she could speak. And damn her if Gran wasn't proud of that girl.

"May I ask what exactly possessed you to even _think_ for one moment that it would be a good idea to give _my son_ a copy of Halo?" Regina spat and Granny could swear she saw steam coming out of her ears (among other crevices, she presumed).

_"May I ask what possessed you to act like a stupid bitch, Miss Swan?"_ Granny hummed in a high-pitched mocking voice as she poured hot water over the dirty plate in her hands.

"Jesus Christ, Regina, it's just a game! He's been kissing up to me to have it for weeks on end!"

_"I'm sorry I want our kid to have fun, Regina! Oh, would you look at that, is that a stick up your ass right there?"_ Granny mocked in a different squeaky voice and brushed bits of lasagna of the plate.

As disgruntled as she was to have to leave this lovely conference, her phone rang in her pocket, and Granny abandoned her task to hide behind the other side of the wall. (Purely for cosmetic purposes; it wasn't like anyone could hear her speak over the Storybrooke Idol that was happening in that room.) The screen flashed the word 'Ruby' in black letters, and Granny reminded herself to change that name later. "Red?"

_"Are Swan Queen at the diner?"_

"And hello to you too," Granny snapped. "Who the hell is Swan Queen?"

_"Gran. Emma Swan. Regina, Queen. Get it? It's kind of a thing."_

_Youths,_ Granny thought again. "Yeah, yeah. They're here, waging guerilla warfare with words over some stunt regarding Henry that Emma pulled. Unfortunately she forgot to remove the log in Regina's backside."

_"Listen, I don't have much time so I'll make this brief. They're in love with each other, they don't know it, I'm going to do something now and I need you to call me back and tell me what happens right in that instant."_

"What are you talking about? They look like they're about to claw each other's eyes out!"

_"Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but yesterday during my shift, Whale was making sleazy remarks about Regina and — get this — Emma totally punched him in the face. She wasn't even that drunk at the time!"_

Oh, so that was why the Sheriff looked like she had attempted to best a brick wall at the noble art of fencing and failed miserably the night before. Granny had to admit, though, the way Emma dealt with the noise was nothing short of impressive. She was probably having a massive migraine, too, but hey, everyone knows that a Swan's gotta do what a Swan's gotta do — even if it means beating Regina's vocal chords to a pulp with her own.

_"And last week, when I took Emma out to buy her some decent non-fairytale land clothes, we ran into Regina and she got all sassy about how Emma was finally getting rid of that red jacket for her — she said 'for' her, I'm not even kidding! — and then Emma kept refusing to buy another one after all, but the way Regina looked at her when she turned around, Gran I'm telling you, I could literally smell the stink of desperation coming out of that look, and they just, you don't, ngnngn, sfffd—"_

"Honey, if they're not going to admit it to themselves, I doubt there's much you can do about it."

_"Shhh, just, just go back there, watch them, watch what happens and report back to me in about five minutes, okay? Okay?"_

Granny sighed loudly enough for her granddaughter to hear. She was about to get herself in trouble and they both knew it. But that had never stopped Red before, and thinking a broken curse or two would change that would be foolish. "Fine, but if something gets blown up in the process, I'll be making you pay for it."

She got back to washing the dishes only to find out that not much had changed at all. The argument had escalated a bit; she was beside herself with joy (next to the rooted feeling of annoyance and despair) that the pair chose this time of day, when barely anyone was present at the diner (and that barely anyone was Grumpy & Co., who honestly just didn't give a crap as long as you gave them their beer), otherwise everyone would have already left. Some people might have even filed a lawsuit for sexual harassment for being exposed to a fighting 'Swan Queen', that was how bad the tension was in the room. Granny could feel the number of her wrinkles increase tenfold just bearing witness to what was happening.

"So when _your son_ grows up to be a bully, you will not even take responsibility for having promoted violence in front of him so openly?" Regina yelled and the wince this elicited from Emma was not lost on her. Ah, yes, must have been the rum.

"Oh so now he's _my son_? Every time he makes us proud he's _your son_, but I only get him to be _my son_ when he fucks up, is that how it works?"

Regina lifted her hand in a 'stop talking and sit down' motion, effectively silencing Emma, and picked up her own phone. Not at all pleased with the interruption, the blonde looked like she was about to spontaneously combust for a split second, and Granny had to brace herself not to duck in her paranoia.

"Who is this? How did you get this number? — Yes, I am. Yes, she is. I trust you are capable of explaining your message to her on your own. — Excuse me? That is ridiculous. — I highly advise you not to— She did? Oh. While flattering, that hardly changes the— I did no such thing. — She did?"

Granny turned off the water. She almost put on her glasses just to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her. Was that Regina, the Evil Queen, giving Emma the worst googly eyes she had ever seen? In fact, as unlikely as it was, for some reason Regina gave off the vibe she was about to burst into tears, and Granny almost but not quite wanted to throw an apple-sized teddy bear in her general direction. Almost. Oh lord, was that a v… a vul… vuln…vulnerable Regina? Oh no. Those words cannot coexist in the same sentence. Oh Jesus Christ, Red, you sneaky bastard. Gods help us all.

"Well then, I will take your insight into account," Regina said and ended the call.

Emma was more than happy to resume right where she left off. "I'm nothing but a bad influence for the kid, is that what you think? That's not fair, Regina. You know how hard I tried, how I had to see them carry him out that door because I'd decided that I wanted _my son_ to be happy, and now I can't even fucking try to do that without you judging my sorry ass? How about you mention that part when he almost killed himself because of you, huh? Was he _your son_ or _my son_ at that point? I don't need a fucking title to be able to raise my own kid, thank you very much!"

Ring ring. Right in the nick of time, too, because at this pace, Granny predicted a punch was imminent within several seconds. She just wasn't sure who would be the one to deal the first blow. Probably both at the same time. Can't have one do something better (or earlier) than the other, can we?

"Rubes, this really isn't the right time — Yes, I am. Yeah, she is. What the hell are you talking about? Are you high? — That's just bullshit, Rubes. — Like hell she did. In what universe am I worthy of that 'honor'? — You what? If this is one of your stupid practical jokes, I will end you. — You're wrong. — I just did that because I'm allergic to stupidity. It had nothing to do with the— That's not what I was about to say! You can't be— Really? — Really? But she's— Okay. Thanks, Ruby."

Click.

"Uh… Ruby called," Emma mumbled, running a hand through her hair.

"Yes, that was quite evident."

Despite the dramatic turnout of events having rendered her speechless, Granny noticed that even Grumpy's boyband had fallen silent. She also noticed that neither the Mayor nor the Sheriff seemed to care the least bit, and thirdly she noticed that she was beginning to root for Emma to go for it, because damn her to hell and call her Wendy if now wasn't the time.

And boy, did Emma go for it.

Granny picked up her phone and dialed Red's number.

_"So? So?"_

"They're kissing."

Several beats of dead silence followed.

_"They're kissing. They're kissing! THEY'RE KISSSIIIIIIIINGGG!"_

Granny laughed at her granddaughter's squealing and what sounded vaguely like a car being thrown off a two hundred story building and hitting the ground. Then, though, she frowned, newfound worry worming out of the heart of (the still kissing) Swan Queen.

Those two on the same side? They were all, each and every one of them, inevitably screwed.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Ask and ye shall receive. For the record, the entire scene is based on a rather adorable scene from How I Met Your Mother, which may or may not have included Jennifer Morrison.

* * *

**Ruby's Phone Log**

Caller ID: unknown  
Caller No.: 207 -566-9371  
Recipient ID: She-who-must-not-be-named  
Recipient No.: 207-028-0108  
Time of call: 3:54PM 1/30/2013  
Call length: 4m 37s

**Unknown ID:** Good afternoon, Madam Mayor!

**She-who-must-not-be-named:** Who is this? How did you get this number?

**Unknown ID: **The one who's taken herself for a walk as per your suggestion. You'd be surprised what sort of things you can find outside. Now before you hang up, know that I've figured out your darkest secret, I'm going to blackmail you until you agree to my terms, and I have an accomplice in the field so don't even think about getting out of this. Just let that sink in for a moment. Are you at the diner?

**She-who-must-not-be-named:** Yes, I am.

**Unknown ID:** And Emma is with you, unharmed for now, I assume? I need to talk to her too.

**She-who-must-not-be-named: **Yes, she is. I trust you are capable of explaining your message to her on your own.

**Unknown ID: **I know you love her.

**She-who-must-not-be-named: **Excuse me? That is ridiculous.

**Unknown ID:** That is the truth, Madam Mayor, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner we can all breathe in peace. So here's what I'm proposing—

**She-who-must-not-be-named:** I highly advise you not to—

**Unknown ID: **Shut up, Regina! Thank you.

**Unknown ID:** _(whispers)_ Wow, who knew it could be this easy.

**Unknown ID:** _(clears throat)_ Anyway, like I said, here's what I'm proposing: neither of you leave that diner until my accomplice informs me that the two of you have worked things out because newsflash, Emma loves you too. Hold it! Hold that breath right there and let me finish! You forget that I can see a lot of things most people are oblivious to. I've seen a lot. I've seen that Emma trusted you when no one else did, as you undoubtedly remember. I've seen how she defended you in front of her own parents on multiple occasions.

**She-who-must-not-be-named: **She did?

**Unknown ID:** I think she's deluding herself because you are the mother of her son and she wants to see the good in you, but I sincerely hope I'm very wrong here. You're never there, but Emma fights for you. She fights for you wherever she goes. I saw her break Whale's nose when he insulted your, er, honor or whatever last night.

**She-who-must-not-be-named:** Oh. While flattering, that hardly changes the—

**Unknown ID:** This isn't just about Emma. Don't think I've been missing the looks you give her. You're lonely and not nearly as good a liar as you think you are. People like me can literally smell it off you for miles. We both know Emma's a hot piece of ass, but there's more to it than that, isn't there? You have had so many opportunities to get rid of her and you would have taken them all if it were anyone else, but you never laid a hand on Emma. And you might think we've forgotten already, but Snow and I remember how you saved her life even though you could have easily said that there was nothing you could do. Know why I think that is? Because you love her and you're too busy playing Monopoly with us to come out and say it. You saved her and you smiled and you welcomed her back because you love her.

**She-who-must-not-be-named: **I did no such thing.

**Unknown ID:** Emma's saved your life how many times now? Why would she do that, I wonder? Think about it; wouldn't it be so much easier if she just left you in the town hall the night of the fire, or if she let the Qui Shen get you one of those times? No one would blame her under the circumstances. She would have her son. Hell, I don't understand how she even managed to save your skin that many times when her own life was at stake. Other people probably couldn't find the strength to act that fast for people they love. It's like she, I don't know, cares a whole lot or something! She keeps saying it's for Henry. Everything that she does that is somehow beneficial for you is always for Henry, have you noticed that? It's bullshit. She wanted you at that party. She and Henry both. Nobody missed you there, but she fought for you then too.

**She-who-must-not-be-named:** She did?

**Unknown ID:** Yes. And don't think I don't realize what you're capable of. I don't doubt you could think of many ways to misuse this information to hurt Emma further. And I think you will. But I know that if Emma were in my place, she would do the same thing, like she always has when it came to you. You wanted to give yourself a fresh start before all hell broke loose and I hope that motive still stands. All I ask is that before you do something stupid, consider the consequences. Think about where you'll be putting yourself. Ask yourself how many more years you want to spend in blatant hatred of everyone before you let him go and move on to what you feel now. Just to be clear, I'm doing this for Emma, not you, and if you decide you want to ignore me then so be it. But remember that she is my friend and if any harm comes to her because of this conversation, I will personally make sure you never lay your eyes on her again. I'm giving you this one and only chance, Regina. Don't fuck it up because with Emma, there will be no other time. I'm going to call her now and I'm going to tell her what I've just told you, and you will deal with it like grownups. Is that clear?

**She-who-must-not-be-named:** Well then, I'll take your insight into account.

**Unknown ID:** Pleasure negotiating with you, Madam.

Caller ID: Rubes  
Caller No.: 207-566-9371  
Recipient ID: Lemmur  
Recipient No.: 207-412-1979  
Time of call: 3:59PM 1/30/2013  
Call length: 4m 11s

**Lemmur:** Rubes, this really isn't the right time—

**Rubes:** Are you at the diner?

**Lemmur:** Yes, I am.

**Rubes:** Is the Mother of All Evil with you?

**Lemmur:** Yes, she is.

**Rubes:** Wow, I expected at least one of you to lie to me. Coolbeans. Anyway, that person that just got off the phone with her, that was me. And there's really no gentle way to break this to you, so I'm just gonna say it because apparently I've got more guts than the two of you combined: she loves you.

**Lemmur:** What the hell are you talking about? Are you high?

**Rubes:** No, listen to me! She's in love with you, I got her to indirectly admit as much, and I know you're in love with her too, otherwise neither of you would be where you are right now!

**Lemmur:** That's just bullshit, Rubes.

**Rubes:** No, the bullshit part is that you're so terrified of someone wanting you for one moment that you're letting this entire affair go straight over your head! Well guess what, I'm fixing that shit. Look, you're scared, I get it. You don't want to commit, that much we've already established. Hell, I'd be flipping out if I fell for the Evil Queen, of all people, too. And I'm judging you so hard right now, but that changes nothing about the fact that she just might deserve you, maybe. She's trying, if nothing else. When you were gone, who do you think kept reassuring Henry that you'd be back home soon? Who do you think was the one to hesitate when they didn't know if it would be Cora or you and Snow coming out of that portal, Rumpel or her? I heard her, you know. I heard her yell at him that you're the Savior and you'll find a way when no one else was there. She was desperate because of you. She's tried to change for Henry, yeah, but for you just as much.

**Lemmur: **Like hell she did. In what universe am I worthy of that honor?

**Rubes:** In all of them! Can't you see? Even though she had trouble with Henry, she saw no reason to stop doing what she does, or did, before you came along. You started this. No one else, you! I just told her that you love her over the phone and she did not deny it. She denied other things, but she didn't deny she loves you back!

**Lemmur: **You what? If this is one of your practical jokes, I will end you.

**Rubes:** For god's sake, do I need to write a How to Deal with Charmings handbook? I'm a pro, you know, but you can still get on my nerves. No practical jokes, I promise. I just want you to stop drowning Storybrooke in your unresolved sexual tension and be happy and Regina can… do… that.

**Lemmur:** You're wrong.

**Rubes:** Oh am I? Okay, then if you hate her so much like you claim to, why did you punch Whale in the face yesterday when he said he bet he was the only guy who hadn't bent Regina over a desk?

**Lemmur:** I just did that because I'm allergic to stupidity. It had nothing to do with the—

**Rubes:** Fact that you love her?

**Lemmur: **That's not what I was about to say! You can't be—

**Rubes:** I can, and I am. I'm tired of you breaking things after every fight you two have. Do you know how many of our glasses you've broken so far? I keep count, and do you know how many? FIFTEEN! Not that I blame you, and I know you always make up for it, but fifteen, Emma! I'm tired of you walking around with a stormy cloud above your head every time you happen to catch a glimpse of her with Sidney or Archie! Speaking of which, Archie is tired of Regina wailing because of something you—oooh I shouldn't have said that. I really shouldn't have—

**Lemmur:** Really?

**Rubes:** _(incoherent curses)_ I know nothing, I've been told nothing, this was my idea entirely! Anyway, my point is, even though she drives you nuts, she cares about you. She had someone when she was young. He's been… gone for many years now, until recently, but that's a different story altogether. She'll explain that to you when she's ready, maybe. It's ancient history that's left some scars. The thing is, she's just scared you'll leave. So don't, it's as simple as that.

**Lemmur:** Really? But she's—

**Rubes:** You have to start somewhere. And Regina probably isn't the best person to put your trust in at first, but what the hell, she's in the very same position you are. You're the one who broke her curse! You're the hailed Savior! Of course she's terrified of you. You don't get a more common ground than that. Just try, Emma. Henry will have a complete family, just like you wanted, too. Look, I can't promise it won't hurt. It probably will at first. It will probably hurt a lot. But you know what else hurt in the beginning? When Snow met your dad, or when Nova met Dreamy. That's just how it goes sometimes. It hurts, but I promise it will never hurt too much, okay? And know that I'll always be at your disposal if you ever decide to kick her ass and bury her in the backyard.

**Lemmur:** Okay. Thanks, Ruby.

Caller ID: Ruby  
Caller No.: 207-566-9371  
Recipient ID: Gran  
Recipient No.: 207-350-2025  
Time of call: 4:05PM 1/30/2013  
Call length: 54s

**Ruby:** So? So?

**Gran:** They're kissing.

**Ruby:** They're kissing. They're kissing! THEY'RE KISSSIIIIIIIINGGG!

**Ruby:**_ (incoherent squeals)_

**Ruby:** I am a genius!

**Ruby:** I should so get a raise for this.

**Gran:** No.

**Ruby:** Fifteen glasses!

**Gran:** Fine, maybe a little. Oh god, now Grumpy's taking pictures. At my diner. He's probably posting them on Twitter. You've made it worse!

**Ruby:** NO! Keep them there for five minutes! I HAVE TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO INSTAGRAM THIS!


End file.
